I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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