You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
