If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
