I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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