apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
