first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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