I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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