I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
