Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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