just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
