Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
