my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
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