I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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