I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
