I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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