i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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