My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
my sisters under your porch take her home
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
