I showed him my bush... on skype.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
