I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
