if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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