I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
