My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
