i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize