WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
