Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
