I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
