went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize