Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
