dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
