im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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