Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
