Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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