you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
