I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
