the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
