Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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