i already hear my dad disowning me
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize