I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
