Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize