I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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