He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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