My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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