There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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