someone threw a dead crab at me
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
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