What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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