I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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