i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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