I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
