dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
