my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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