Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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