I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I just googled if crying burns calories
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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