He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
