Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
