Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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