But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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